Choices to Enforce Rules
Onward, folks! We are jumping into Part Two of our Choice-Giving Series this week (if you missed Part One, you can find it here). Last week, we talked about using choices to build self-esteem and empowerment, and this week we are moving into using that same choice language to promote self-regulation and enforce your family rules. As with last week, this strategy comes from research and methodology created by Drs. Garry Landreth and Sue Bratton at the UNT Center for Play Therapy.
Here’s the basic language framework for how this works:
“If you choose (behavior), then you choose (result).”
“You can choose (option #1) or you can choose (option #2), which do you choose?”
“When you choose (desired behavior), then you choose (positive result). When you choose (negative behavior), then you choose (negative consequence).
The phrasing you use depends on which fits better in your particular scenario. A word about this language before we jump into guidelines for this strategy: the word “choose” is the special ingredient that makes this effective. It is not the same to say “We don’t do that” or “If you don’t pick up your toys you have to go to time-out!” The difference is this:
When you use the word “choose” you shift the responsibility for behavior management from yourself to your child.
That is the very important lesson we are trying to impart to our children here - that I, as the adult, am not responsible for managing your behavior. You, the child, are responsible for managing your own behavior. You may think, “But my child is young, and if I leave them to their own devices, they just do whatever they want!” Your child is young now, sure, but eventually that child will grow into a teen and then an adult whose choices and behaviors are outside your control. If they haven’t learned from early childhood when to rein in behaviors or how to make choices for themselves, adulting will be very, very difficult.
Now, let’s get into some guidelines for this strategy:
Work on choice at a time. If every ten minutes you are giving a choice about something different, it’s going to lose its meaning. Pick one behavior you’d like to work on, and focus on that for a week or two (or until it’s resolved) and then move on to something else.
Consequences have to be reasonable. Making the consequence for not picking up toys on a Monday that the child can’t go visit Grandma on Saturday isn’t effective because it isn’t immediate and isn’t related to the behavior at all. Similarly, I recommend avoiding food-related consequences, like no dessert or no snacks, unless the behavior is meal-time related.
NO DO-OVERS. Inevitably, as your child is learning and understanding the choice, you will have a situation when the child tries to go back and fix the behavior after the choice has already been made. For example, let’s say the choice is “If you choose to pick up your toys before dinner, you choose to watch an hour of TV after dinner. If you choose not to pick up your toys before dinner, you choose not to watch an hour of TV after dinner.” You have called everyone to dinner, and your child has not picked up their toys. They suddenly remember, and rush back into the living room to quickly pick up toys. You would say, “I know you’re thinking that if you pick up your toys now, you’ll get to watch TV after dinner. But when you chose not to pick up your toys before dinner, you chose not to watch TV after dinner.”
I cannot stress enough how important this guideline is. Part of life and being human is that every single one of our actions has a consequence, positive or negative. Teaching your child to understand this is what is going to help them become a responsible and conscientious adult, because we don’t get do-overs. It’s vital to teach this lesson early, because what we want to avoid is the situation where your now teenager chooses to drink some beers at a party with friends and then get behind the wheel of a car because they haven’t learned the impact of their own choices.
Consequences should be enforced consistently and empathically. If you’re only enforcing consequences haphazardly, this strategy will not work. If you are yelling and angry when you are giving a choice, this strategy will not work. If you are angry or escalated, tag in your partner or take a moment to calm down before re-engaging.
Time period of consequences should be age-appropriate. Taking away a toy from a four year old for a week or even a whole day might as well be forever, and this strategy loses its efficacy. An afternoon or morning is a long enough duration of a consequence for a small child. A teen, on the other hand, can handle and conceptualize a longer consequence.
A child in tantrum mode cannot process a choice. This one is a repeat from last week, because it is true for this as well. The priority must be to calm down and de-escalate before doing any choice-giving. Soothing your child when they are dysregulated does not mean you agree with the behavior or the emotion they are feeling.
Now that you have this strategy in your toolkit, identify a behavior you’d like to start with and write out your choice language. You can even practice in front of a mirror, or with your partner or a friend to get more comfortable with delivery. A word of support: Stick with this, because it will likely not get your desired result on the first, second, or even third try. Your child may choose to lose screen time for ten days in a row before they choose the alternative...that’s part of their learning process. As long as you stay consistent, they will get it.
Happy choice-giving!
