Setting Limits
We’ve talked about normalizing feelings, about recovering from parenting mistakes, and about how to respond to children’s emotions, and this week we are going even deeper. I’m doing a short seminar for members of The Jane Club this week, so I wanted to give blog readers a little peek at what I’ll be diving into there. I am asked by nearly every parent I work with some version of: “How do I manage my child’s negative behaviors? They know the rules and they just keep breaking them!”
One of the most important elements of childhood is the process of exploring the surrounding world, finding out about things like cause and effect, and how to create safety, and what the boundaries of that world are. Because of this, children are natural and masterful limit-testers! If this is your child, please know: it’s just part of the work of growing up. Children aren’t about pushing your buttons and testing the rules because they want to see you squirm - they are learning, and checking for safety and security along the way.
When parents ask me about managing their children’s behavior, I immediately look to reframe this idea. For you, as an adult, who manages your behavior? Nobody, right? Because you manage your behavior yourself. This is one of the most important skills parents are tasked with teaching their children - the idea of personal responsibility for one’s own behavior. So, here’s the bottom line:
You are not responsible for managing your child’s behavior. You ARE responsible for teaching your child to manage their own behavior.
My most favorite tool for this, A-C-T limit-setting, comes from an evidence-based treatment modality called Child Parent Relationship Therapy (CPRT), which was created by Dr. Garry Landreth and Dr. Sue Bratton at the University of North Texas Center for Play Therapy. Limit-setting is beautifully simple and straightforward, and yet it imparts deep and meaningful messages to the child. Here’s what it looks like:
Acknowledge the need of the child. This is a simple statement that uses the technique of reflective responding to let the child know that you see and understand where they are coming from.
For example: “I know you are feeling angry…”
Communicate the limit. Keep it simple and straightforward, without explaining the “why” or giving too much information. It is also important that this is worded in a way that takes your thoughts and feelings out of the equation (we’ll talk more about that in a minute).
For example: “...but people are not for hitting.”
Target the alternative(s). Make sure the alternatives are actually acceptable to you - don’t complicate things for yourself by suggesting an alternative you aren’t comfortable with.
For example: “Instead, you can choose to punch a pillow or your stuffed animal.”
Each of these three components is equally important. If you are in a rush and only manage to get out the limit and the alternatives, do circle back and acknowledge the need. This is also not meant to be used in anticipation of limit testing or rule breaking. In the example I gave, the limit would have been set either after the child had hit someone or when they were winding up to do so, not just because the parent thinks the child is angry and might decide to hit.
It is vital to ONLY set the limit when it is needed.
With communicating the limit, the wording is very important. “People are not for hitting” is very different messaging than “we don’t hit” or “you are not supposed to hit”. The former wording shows the child what the limit is and presents the limit as separate from you as the parent - people aren’t for hitting, it’s just a fact. The wall is not for drawing on, food is not for throwing on the floor, etc. The latter two wordings send the message, “I am responsible for making sure you don’t cross the line.”
Side note: I typically have a three-strike policy with this method before implementing a consequence. That means repeating this process up to three times (in a CALM, empathic tone) which gives the child ample opportunity to stop, think, and choose to correct the behavior.
This method for limit-setting takes A LOT of practice to master with consistency, so pick some common scenarios you encounter in your household and practice with your partner or in front of the mirror. You will not get this right all the time! But, the more you practice and the more prepared you are with some acceptable alternatives to limit testing behaviors, the more you will build consistency.
The beautiful thing is that when you use this method, your child gets lots of important things out of it. They learn that their parent understands how they’re feeling/what they need in this moment, they feel empowered to manage their own behavior, and they feel protected by the sense of safety you have created by setting limits.
Happy limit-setting!
