Teaching Consent
Okay, time to get real...one of the more uncomfortable parts of parenting can be navigating discussions around sex and consent. These conversations can be anxiety provoking for both kids and parents, but they don’t have to be! The reality is, you can start the conversation about consent long before it has anything to do with sex.
For children, understanding consent and body boundaries from a young age is a key ingredient in keeping them safe in childhood and into adolescence and adulthood.
If you start these conversations early, it sets the stage for the more mature discussions down the road, and creates a culture of open and honest communication within your family unit. If you approach these conversations with shame and secrecy, you will teach your child that their bodies and their sexuality are both shameful and secret. If your child gets the message that talking with you about their bodies or sexuality or consent is taboo, they will be less likely to tell you if someone violates their body boundaries and physical safety.
An overarching tip...these talks happen in bits and pieces!
If you try and get everything into one giant discussion it will be overwhelming for you and information overload for your child. Use the world around you to spark age-appropriate discussions. For example, scenes in media or books that your children consume can be a great jumping off point. News stories can be a great conversation starter with your teen.
Start the conversation. A simple, “I’m wondering what you think about [x]...” is a perfect opener. For example, “I’m wondering what you think about when the Prince kisses Snow White when she’s sleeping?” or “I read a news story today about the #MeToo movement, have you read it? What do you think about it?”
Field questions when they come up. If your child comes to you with questions and you need time to think about an answer, that’s okay! A response of, “I’m so glad you came to me with this, and I want to make sure I give you a thoughtful answer. I will find out more and get back to you.”
Model consent during play. For example, if you are tickling your child and they ask you to stop, even if they are laughing, it is important to stop.
Respect your child’s privacy, and model your own boundaries. Allow your child to choose whether or not they consent to have their picture shared on social media, and let them know they can change their mind. If you are in the bathroom and your child walks in, ask them to wait outside until you are finished.
Don’t force your child to physically touch anybody. If you are going to Grandma’s house, give your child choices about how they can greet Grandma. “When we get to Grandma’s, you can choose to hug Grandma, give Grandma a high five, or just say hi. Which do you choose today?”
Show them how to ask for consent and recognize nonverbals. If your excited child goes to hug their friend, and their friend tenses up and seems uncomfortable, draw your child’s attention to it. “It seems like Jane doesn’t want a hug today, and that’s okay. It’s important to ask our friends if we can hug them.”
Let your child know that they are in charge of their body. Help your child understand their own agency over their body by modeling consent when you need to touch it. For instance, at bathtime: “Can I wash your feet now? How about your face?” or “It’s time to wash your bottom, would you like me to do it or would you like to do it yourself?”
Talk about safe and unsafe touch. This includes naming that if something makes them feel weird or yucky, those instincts are important to listen to. It also involves preparing them for touch at the doctor or dentist’s office.
Use anatomically correct words for private parts. Not only does this help prevent shame and secrecy around talking about private parts, it sets your child up for success in clearly and accurately reporting any touch that is unsafe.
The most important piece of all of this is your follow through with respecting your child’s boundaries. If they’ve said no to touch and you touch them anyway, you are showing them that adults are allowed to violate their body boundaries. As with so many other things, modeling your own healthy body boundaries is vital as well! I’ve included some more resources below for exploring this conversation, so dive in and start the discussion as soon as possible.
Resources:
Children’s Books That Teach Consent
RAINN - What Consent Looks Like
