The Problem With Problem Solving
Parenting can be complex and nuanced. So much of it is learned “on the job” through trial and error, which is why there are one bajillion memes about the difference between parenting a first child and a second or third child. Children need their parents to do so much physical and emotional labor for them, that it becomes second nature for parents to find the quickest fix when a need or a problem becomes apparent.
Parents are THE BEST problem-solvers. They plan and check in and fix and keep a watchful eye constantly, because harmony and ease for their children equals being able to get through the many tasks and to-dos in a given day with convenience and minimized stress. Sometimes though, parents are so used to problem-solving for their children that they become a little too good at it. This can result in a dynamic in which the children are overly dependent on the parent because they aren’t learning the skills they need to operate independently, which ultimately makes life busier and more stressful for the parent.
So, how to avoid this conundrum? There is a Dr. Garry Landreth quote that I love, which is:
“Never do for a child that which he can do for himself.”
Now, believe me, I know how painful it can be to watch a child struggle to solve a problem, and the overwhelming desire to jump in and expedite the process to avoid frustration that turns into a tantrum. However, there is some really meaty and important learning that happens in those moments when a child is struggling to independently problem-solve, is able to sit with their frustration, and to ultimately master it.
A few things happen when a child is independently problem-solving. They get to explore their own creativity and ingenuity. They learn to tolerate and manage frustration, failure, and delayed gratification. And, when they do solve the problem, they build self-esteem, confidence in their own abilities, and self-competency. Without letting children build these skills, we are robbing them of vital opportunities to prepare for their independence from their parents and their eventual adulthood.
The ingredient that will help you facilitate successful independent problem-solving for your child is the “esteem-building response”. This is different from praise, because when you are speaking to your child in an esteem-building way, you are making observations about the effort, not the product. This is not the place for “good job” or “that picture you drew is so pretty”. Here are some examples of some esteem-building responses:
“You’d like my help with that, but I know that you can figure it out.”
“You’re not sure whether you can do it, but I believe in you.”
“I know you can find a solution.”
“You did it!”
“You worked so hard to figure that out.”
“You decided to try it that way.”
“It seems like you’ve got a plan for this.”
“You didn’t give up!”
“You are so happy with how that turned out!”
“You are so determined.”
This also a great opportunity to provide encouragement to your child by acknowledging their positive characteristics. It’s best if these are specific, value-based words, so avoid words like good, nice, or sweet, or appearance-based words like pretty and cute. These could include words like brave, helpful, kind, respectful, thoughtful, careful, loving, creative, and clever, among many others.
Parenting is hard, and one of the hardest parts about it is understanding when to step in and when to let your child fail. As hard as the latter can be, the reward is in getting to watch them pick themselves back up again and try a different strategy, and to see them experience the pride they will feel in their wins. It’s impossible to always get this balance right, and that’s okay. As long as your child understands that you believe in them and trust in their abilities, they will internalize those messages about themselves.
As Fred Rogers said: "There is no normal life that is free of pain. It’s the very wrestling with our problems that can be the impetus for our growth."
